I would describe myself as:
Average male seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and codependency. I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.
I can't stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Band's Greatest Hits. I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.
I'm 52, but look 72 and feel 82. If you are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations, perfect. In time you will become coolly hostile when I don't fulfill every unmet need you've ever had. Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town but now want to take it slow with me.
My ideal partner would be:
What is it we really want, is it that second coffee cup in our Instagram's of lazy Saturday mornings, that other pair of shoes in our artsy pictures. We want a date for Sunday morning brunch, someone to commiserate with during the drudge of Monday's, a Taco Tuesday partner, someone to text us good morning on Wednesday. We want friends with benefits, Netflix and chill, nudes on Tinder. We want anything that will give us the illusion of a relationship, without being in an actual relationship. We want all the rewards and none of the risk, all of the payout and none of the cost. We swipe left in hopes of finding the right person. We “talk” and we text, we Snapchat and we sext. We hangout and we happy hour, we go for coffee and grab a beer – anything to avoid an actual date. We invest more time on our profiles than our personalities. Yet we don’t want a relationship!!!!!
My ideal date would be:
My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sleazy bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul-crushing descent into booze and pills. No friendships. I don't need any goddamn friends.
Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 40 and rehash mother issues with women over 50.
Serious replies only, please...............